I am America (and so can You!) Read online

  So, get to it!

  I’ll wait.

  Hey, don’t think I’m watching or anything. In fact, I’m gonna go around the corner to pick up a bagel and coffee. I’ll leave some music on while I’m gone.

  I’m not listening either, so you can really let loose.

  Justice will be served, and the battle will rage.

  This big dog will fight, when you rattle his cage.

  And you’ll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A.

  ’Cause we’ll put a boot in your ass. It’s the American way!

  I’m back. If Toby Keith didn’t fire up your baby-making device, you should check your pilot light. When I listen to that song during the physical act of satisfying my lady, I like to think of myself as the dog or the boot, depending on my mood.

  Do you smell gas?

  NOW WHAT? Now that you’ve produced children, it’s your job to socialize them. That means you’ve got a role to play—a role you auditioned for in the sack. The minute that baby pops out, you’ve got the part. And if you play it right, just like De Niro, you’re going to gain a lot of weight.

  THE FATHER

  America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. But there’s more to being a father than taking kids to Chuck E. Cheese and supplying the occasional Y-chromosome. A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

  Stalin: a surprisingly good dad.

  Every organization needs strong leadership. At home my word is law.2 Whatever I say goes. For instance, recently my son wanted a laptop computer for his birthday. I said, “Go ask your mother.” And he did. That’s respect.

  Know how to delegate.

  Now, with great power comes great responsibility.3 That’s why a father should always wear a collared shirt and carry a tire gauge. Never know when a few pounds of air pressure will mean the difference between life and death for you and your family.

  Nothing says love like proper inflation.

  A father should also work. A lot. Anything less than 100 hours a week and the kids are going to get to know Dad and, like the old saying goes, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

  And sure, it’s nice to have a second income to buy the little extras like vacations or a place to live, but the mother should never be the primary wage earner. The kids see that, lose respect for their father, and decide to become gay every time. It’s known as teenage rebellion, and I’ve seen parades full of it.

  One of Pop’s most important jobs is protecting his little family. That’s why he needs to sleep with that 9mm under his pillow. And pack it with hollow point bullets. At the least sign of movement in his castle past 8 PM, he should wake up firing. Let God, Allah, or Hanuman the monkey god sort them out, am I right?

  I am.

  * * *

  PUBLISHER’S DISCLAIMER: DO NOT SLEEP WITH A 9MM UNDER YOUR PILLOW AND SHOOT AT SHADOWS IMMEDIATELY UPON WAKING.

  * * *

  Do it.

  Finally, Dad’s got to protect the weaker minds of his wife and offspring from the burden of worry. He can’t show any sign of indecision, financial trouble, or even sickness. That’s why it is imperative that fathers never go to the doctor. They might find out something is wrong—knowledge which they could never share.4 The crushing burden of stuffing emotion for decades is our nation’s number one killer of dads. Or it should be.

  So Dad’s got a pretty tough job. That’s why he needs to be treated right. Don’t bother him when he walks in the door. Let him make that martini or leaf through the latest issue of Wood Boat Enthusiast before you go running to him with your affections and/or suspicions about the relationship he may or may not be having with the head of Human Resources.5

  THE MOTHER

  Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.

  On the plus side, they do get to wear cool hats.

  The mother-child bond is a fragile thing. That’s why I didn’t let my mom out of my sight until two years after I married. But while time apart is hard on the kids, it’s devastating for Mom. There’s something I call “The Maternal Instinct.” It’s a natural part of every female from the paramecium all the way up to our female human woman.6 Females need to nurture constantly, so they hate any time alone where they are left to think, shower, or sleep. For a Mom to be happy, every moment away from her children must be filled with the soul-wrenching thought, “Am I a bad mother?”

  You already know the answer.

  The answer to that question is a resounding “Yes.” Scientists have proven, one assumes, that every flaw in a child can be traced back to a mistake made by the mother. As adults we’re all imperfect, so that means all mothers are incompetent. But some mothers are worse than others. Take women who work. I don’t care if it’s CEO of a major corporation or three hours a week as a teacher’s aide, if you work outside the home, you might as well bring coconut arsenic squares to the school bake sale.

  Except the Virgin Mary and my mother.

  A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mom would dust.” 7

  Messy houses drive boys into the arms of bald musclemen with earrings.

  A good mother cooks, cleans, drives, organizes charity events so her children earn community service points for college, and expects nothing in return except love and breakfast in bed one day a year.

  So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying to make them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God put them here to do: Everything.8

  * * *

  PERSONAL RECOLLECTION: It doesn’t matter how my parents raised me, because I loved my parents. It’s in the Bible: “Honor thy Mother and thy Father.” It’s right after the part about stoning gays. Sure, they could be a little “strict,” but I often think back fondly on the memories I haven’t repressed. The truth is, I wouldn’t be the man I am today if it wasn’t for the way my parents raised me. And I love the man I am today—which means I love the way my parents raised me. And even if they made mistakes, I don’t blame them for it, because they tried their hardest. You can’t spell “parentry” without “try.” 9 Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.

  * * *

  I had a happy childhood.

  Mistake it forward.

  So now that Mom and Dad know their roles, what’s next?

  RAISING A FAMILY

  Childrearing is arguably the most important of my core values. I believe in it, I practice it, and I ceaselessly promote it to my friends and followers. That said, generally speaking, I’m against children.

  What’s the matter? Did I shake you up?

  See, I’m not against the conception of children; like I said, they’re the only permissible reason for intercourse. And I’m not against pregnancy—in fact, if you ask me, there’s nothing more beautiful than a third-trimester mother-to-be in full maternity regalia. Maybe it’s the elastic, I don’t know. But the effect is stunning.

  If she’s toting a gun, that’s just icing.

  No, my problem is the children themselves. They may be cute, but they are here to replace us. Need proof? Ever catch one walking around in your shoes? That’s a chilling moment, like finding an empty body snatcher pod in the basement.

  Check carefully. If it’s one of those Cocoons, you’re in luck.

  “But children are our future!” Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don’t understand why we’re helping them. You don’t see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robot
s.

  I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Why take childrearing advice from someone who mistrusts children?” The answer is simple. I respect my opponents. And I urge you all to do the same. I wish I could come to each of your houses to help you raise your kids, but I’ve got my hands full with my own children, as well as several pending “negligent Big Brother” lawsuits.10 Instead, I offer these simple child raising tips.

  TIP NO. 1: SET SOME RULES

  Don’t worry if a rule makes sense—the important thing is that it’s a rule. Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn’t be learning respect for authority, they’d be learning logic.

  So go crazy with the rules—the time your child spends trying to figure them out is time he won’t be stapling firecrackers to the neighbor’s dog.

  Once again, Mr. and Mrs. McAllister, I am very sorry.

  Suggested Arbitrary Rules:

  Wash your hands before talking to strangers.

  If you look at a cat and it sneezes, no dessert for a week.

  Jell-O must never be jiggled.

  “Red” means “stop,” “green” means “go,” “purple” means “Wednesday.”

  And if they ever call “bullshit” on your game, there’s an added benefit there, too. Let me tell you a little story. Once, there was a child whose father had lots of rules he thought were unfair. What’s more, the strict father was never around, but continued making even more unreasonable demands on the child. Finally, the child had had enough—he rebelled, and lived happily ever after.

  That child’s name? America.

  Last name: Thebeautiful.

  TIP NO. 2: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

  No matter how many kids you have, you need to pick a favorite. It’s going to happen on its own, but it’ll happen faster if you and your spouse have at least debated the issue. The important thing is to not tell any of your kids who the favorite is—just let them know you have one. That’s a guessing game that will keep them occupied and quiet on many a road trip!

  Every once in a while, misspell one of their names.

  TIP NO. 3: THEY CAN SMELL FEAR

  “I’m Every Woman” works too.

  Never show weakness in front of your kid. This means never letting them see you cry. If you absolutely must cry, run into your room and lock your door, then turn the shower on and play the stereo real loud—I suggest Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.” When you’re done, tell your kid you were so angry you had to take a shower to cool down, and then deduct the cost of the hot water from his allowance.

  TIP NO. 4: DON’T CRY OVER SPILLED MILK

  Unspill it. If you ever wanted to travel back in time to relive your childhood, now you can—by living it through your kid’s childhood. Children are tiny versions of you, minus the crushing failure. If you’re not going to live your unrealized dreams through your kids, WHEN WILL YOU?

  You only live through your kids once.

  Fill them with your dashed hopes and shattered dreams. If they succeed, then doesn’t that mean, in some small way, that you yourself succeeded? And if they fail, well, then your dream was probably impossible in the first place—though your child may want to throw his kids at it, just to make sure.

  THE EXTENDED FAMILY

  Back in the olden days, the family was more than just Ma and Pa and the little ’uns. There were Ma and Pa’s brothers and sisters and their kids and so on. It made for a tight cohesive group that could support each other in hard times. Plus, with such close family ties, there was always someone to take up the blood feud if you were gunned down at the feed store.

  But today, too few people live in an extended family. So for my young friends reading this at a family reunion and wondering who those people are pinching your cheek and breathing onion dip into your face, here’s a crib sheet that can help.

  GRANDPARENTS

  Your parents’ parents.

  PRO: Unlike your parents, they have no issue with buying your love.

  CON: They grew up in the Depression, and they have never adjusted for inflation.

  GRANDPARENT SUBCATEGORY: GRANDFATHER

  PRO: He will let you play with his pocket knife and, if you’re really lucky, his Luger.

  CON: He will also let you play with his teeth.

  GRANDPARENT SUBCATEGORY: GRANDMOTHER

  PRO: Any food she serves will be full of sugar and fat and taste great.

  CON: She has an accent, Grandpa brought her back from the War, and she might be a Nazi. Dad said, “Don’t ask.”

  Ask to see her collection of stolen art!

  AUNTS AND UNCLES

  Your parents’ brothers and sisters.

  PRO: They have a hilarious childhood story about how Mom got that scar.

  CON: They are under the impression you should still be excited to see them even after they stop bringing presents.

  * * *

  FAMILY FUN: Your Mom and Her Sister Is your mom the one who “got the looks” or the one who “got the brains”? Either way, she resents her sister for getting the other one!

  * * *

  * * *

  FAMILY FUN: Your Dad and His Brother Your bachelor uncle may seem like a “cool guy” because he has a boat and a flat-screen TV, and all your dad has is you kids. But hang on: In fifty years your uncle won’t have anyone to care for him, while your father will be a huge burden on you and your family!

  * * *

  Unless you have a sister.

  FIRST COUSINS

  The children of your parents’ brothers and sisters; you share grandparents.

  PRO: If you need a kidney, they’ll be a marginally better match than someone off the street.

  CON: They may be frauds, posing as your cousins to get your kidney.

  KEEP IN MIND: You’ll be competing with these cousins for your grandparents’ estate. Start planting false evidence of their disloyalty now.

  SECOND COUSINS

  You share great-grandparents.

  PRO: Their genes are different enough that you can marry them without your kids looking like The Hills Have Eyes.

  CON: You can’t find anyone to marry besides your cousin? (See Sex and Dating)

  FDR’s excuse was polio. What’s yours?

  FIFTIETH COUSINS

  Many geneticists believe that every human on earth is at least fiftieth cousin to every other.

  PRO: There’ll be someone to move in with when Social Security goes bankrupt.

  CON: You are always at a family reunion.

  * * *

  FUN FACT: Did you know there’s such a thing as “double first cousins”? If your dad and his brother married a pair of sisters, then your aunt and uncle’s children are your double first cousins! If they’re attached by a fleshy band and share major organs, they’re your double first conjoined cousins! It’s true!

  * * *

  DIVORCE

  Or as Tammy Wynette spelled it, “Divorce.”

  Divorce is marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don’t drag down my country’s statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.